everything hurts.

I didn't sleep last night. The thought of waking up to a day that didn't have you in it was unbearable.

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. How could I face the day day knowing you weren't a phone call away?

November 3rd was once a happy day. I would celebrate the birthday of my best friend, Alyssa. Then one January day she was taken away from this earth. Then November 3rd became a sad day. Each year it doesn't get any better. But when I woke up yesterday in preparation for the memories to come back. I had no idea I would cry myself to sleep that night for a completely different reason.

You were the one person on this earth that understood me to my core. You blazed a path that I had no idea 25 years ago, that I would follow in. I'm not sure if I can make my own path without you.

From being my peer buddy in Elementary school, church youth group, UT coffee dates, international Skype dates, tears, heartbreak, celebrations, you were the one there that could hear my heart without me saying a word.

We spoke the same language. You understood my past and how it affected my present, and knew my future when I didn't believe in myself. Not everyone grows up with their mentor/friend and continues to share life with them from birth to death.

Everything hurts. Everything is numb.

I find myself not being able to breathe.

I can't find the words to describe what I am feeling. My brain is a blob of memories, sweet words, and shock. I still don't believe its real.

You're not gone.

You can't be.

I need you. The world needs you.

There is so much I want to say. She deserves all the endless amounts of praise, and celebration. The words elude me. I can't wrap my heart or brain around the last 24 hours.

Leigh was one of a kind. Her soft voice was full of encouragement, truth, and sass. Her love knew no bounds and she wanted nothing more than to share it with the world. She wanted you to be heard, appreciated, celebrated, and loved.

When Gran died she cried with me.

When I was having a hard day. She made me laugh.

When I succeeded even in the smallest of ways, she celebrated with me.

When I was in Haiti. She loved them with me.

When I came back from Haiti, she struggled with me.

She knew me and still loved me.

As she did everyone in her life.

Not only that she pursued me. She was intentional in every interaction with others. Nothing was ever half done. She fully and genuinely lived her life for others, and wanted them to feel that they were special. If Leigh was in your life, you felt loved. You felt special. You felt celebrated. That you could take on the world. Not because she was in your corner (though that was a wonderful plus), because she made you believe in yourself. Which is something I struggled with off an on over the years. Going through all the notes and messages from over the years, I am brought to tears again over the amount of love she gave out. Life was never the same when Leigh entered your life. And life will never be the same without her.

I love you Leigh.

You will always be my Homecoming Queen.

 In Loving Memory of

Leigh Robertson Gilman

April 1, 1987 - November 3, 2016