Facing Reality

I know, I know. I haven't blogged in almost 2 months to the day. And really, it was intentional. I was extremely sick for the month of October and then it was time to come back to the states. I know you are all wanting to know, what else I did in Haiti, how the surprise was coming back, what I am doing now, etc. But honestly I could not bring myself to talk about it, even typing out the words overwhelmed me. With tears streaming down my face, I am writing out what it is that I have ignored for so long. It was like a far away dream, being back in the states. I could not possibly be here! I live in Haiti, my heart is in Haiti, my home is in Haiti. It is a heart-stopping, can't catch my breath, painful thought to go day-to-day in the life that is not Haitian. Each day is as hard as the day before, never getting any easier just to leave me house and go to work, church, grocery store without being overwhelmed with the fact that I am in a new place. Sometimes I have to push it out of my brain just to function, watching an embarrassing amount of TV and movies to keep my mind from wandering. Flipping through pictures 15 times a day with teary eyes as I gaze at the faces of so many that have stolen my heart. Waking up in the middle of the night in a panic, but unlike most everyone else in the first world, I can't go down the hall and peek in my kids/friends/loved ones rooms to see them sleeping soundly. They are huddled on a dirt floor somewhere, maybe they ate that day, maybe they didn't. Maybe their mother lived another day, maybe she didn't. Maybe they still have a tent to live in, maybe they don't. Maybe a bad man didn't come and hurt them today, maybe he did. Maybe they feel loved, maybe they won't ever. My heart aches so much it hurts for these children, these people, this country. Some days when I see someone I haven't since I returned I can't even form words when they ask "how was Haiti?". I choke back tears, and say some cliche answer to keep from losing it. Having a roller coaster of emotions, and being so entirely angry that I lash out at one of my best friends saying terrible things, only to be met with encouragement and patience. Or sweet friends see me and know its a hard day and without a word give me a hug full of love as tears stream down my face as I feel so loved and prayed for, or going to the grocery store and crying down every aisle because I am so overwhelmed. I sometimes forget to shower because I could go a week and still not be as dirty as 12 hours in Haiti would be. I get sad when I am not immediately covered in sweat and dust when I walk out of my house. Here it is not culturally acceptable to fix spaghetti for breakfast. Walking up to a random child on the street is highly frowned upon. I still cannot get used to the freezing cold weather, and I would be completely happy to eat rice and beans every day.

You know those moments where you are try and piece together what is real and what isn't. Whether it is a very realistic dream, or those few moments back from vacation, or coming home from college, or going back to college from home, or getting married. What part of your life is reality, the real you, or just a dream of what was or could be. That is kind of where I am have been the last several weeks. Living in this limbo world, trying to fight off the fact that I am in a new place. A place that I have never been. Yes, this is where I have lived the last few years, but I am a different person now. The things I have seen, had to do, lived all have continue to grow me into the person the Lord has in mind for me. Fighting off that I am not in Haiti, and trying not to accept the reality that a new chapter is starting, a new journey that I am on. Wanting to be able to say that this is a 'visit' to Tennessee, when really I have no idea what is coming in the future.  Never alone, as changes happen and the path takes new turns, my Savior is always there preparing the way. Truths that I have to take hold of and tell myself each morning when I wake up. 

But I am here. I am in the states, in Tennessee, in Knoxville. The Lord forced me (literally) out of Port-au-Prince, for his glory and to further his Kingdom. I know without any doubt that he was telling me it was time to come back to Tennessee. I don't understand it, and most days I don't want to be here. Not because I don't like it, I am entirely grateful for the men and women who made it possible for me to live here and to travel with ease to "red flagged" countries and know that I am always safe. But my heart is not here. And I am trying to find my place here, the place the Lord wants me to open up a piece of my heart too. It is a process, a slow process, one just can't go from living in the poorest country in the world to the wealthiest  the most corrupt country in the world to the most powerful all at once. How do you do it? How do you make the transition? How does your mind wrap around where you are and where you have been? I have experienced more culture shock being in my home country than I ever have in Haiti and the DR. The only answer I have is the Lord. Jesus is the only way to get through heartache, to grieve, to have joy, to love, and be loved. The gospel is beautiful and wonderful and the only way I can get up out of bed each morning. 

So here I am writing this as a step closer to facing the reality that is my address not in Tabarre 68. My heart and head are in PAP, while my body is here in Knoxville. Taking each day as a gift, and being ever so thankful for those 100 days the Lord allowed me to live in the most beautiful country in the world. I am so blessed by Him and the many ways he chooses to shoe his love. I am learning to be here, so that i can do the utmost for his glory. It is a struggle everyday, but he showers with grace and love to get through it.He has blessed me with friends and family that are loving me through this and give encouragement and a listening ear even when they can't comprehend what it is i am saying. Praise be to the Father who knows us better than we know ourselves, and wrote out the most beautiful story of our lives, even if we only see a sentence or paragraph at a time. Every day is a new day to glorify him! Live each day as it is the one that will define you!