At this moment a month ago, I was attempting to board a plane to Nashville from Miami. I cannot fathom that I have been back to Tennessee for one whole month. It feels like eons ago, and yesterday all at the same time. The past month has been a blur. I spent the first few days back at home in Camden doing the small town thing, county fair and all. Then I head back to Rocky Top to get ready for school. I have gone through a lot of emotions over the last month.
First it was so surreal it seemed as if it was a dream. It didn't click that I was back, and to some extent I still don't think it has. I got back to Knoxville late one Friday night and the next morning we were to help the freshmen move in (be reminded I had not been in the country a week yet). I was excited, but had Haiti heavy on my heart. When it began time to help I just stood there and watched. I almost burst into tears of anger as I saw the heaps of money and wasteful items that people were bringing in. I could not understand why people were so wasteful, when there are starving and dieing people in the world. They didn't need half the stuff they had. The longer I stood there the more upset I got, so I just walked away. In the midst of my processing I realized that this was their/our culture. Just like I had spent all that time in Haiti soaking up culture and learning about the people, this is part of the American culture. They know no different than the Haitians do pertaining to how they were raised. I have no right to get angry because I once was the same way, and probably will have those tendencies sometimes. This was a big realization that helped the process begin. I finally was able to jump in and help. As I help take my first load I round the corner to see a dear friend Katherine standing at the elevators. As soon as I saw her I immediately had to control myself because the tears began to well up. Katherine had spent the first half of the summer in Haiti as well being a nurse with the Nehemiah Projects. She was the only person I knew that was in arms length that knew exactly what was going on. We had a freakout together and then laughed because we both knew what almost happened.
The days following were filled with "yay your back"'s and "oh my goodness how was it"'s, getting lots of hugs and beginning my last year at school. I felt very loved, but it was like a sucker punch every time I was asked. Because I would have to tell about it knowing that no matter what I say they won't understand, and as much as they care the extent of their caring only goes so far. It is almost like you are the only one in the world caring the weight. But the Lord is the great comforter and provider. He has given me great people that just love to love, and Haiti friends that understand immediately when I am having a "Haiti Day" as we lovingly refer to it as. It is hard being somewhere that your heart isn't. Especially when great joy and sorrow are happening and you have to hear about it instead of living it. An amazing couple of friends are planning a wedding there now, that will take place while I am here. And a death of a precious baby girl that I love dearly ( next blog will be about her...she deserves her own).
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