everything hurts.

I didn't sleep last night. The thought of waking up to a day that didn't have you in it was unbearable.

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. How could I face the day day knowing you weren't a phone call away?

November 3rd was once a happy day. I would celebrate the birthday of my best friend, Alyssa. Then one January day she was taken away from this earth. Then November 3rd became a sad day. Each year it doesn't get any better. But when I woke up yesterday in preparation for the memories to come back. I had no idea I would cry myself to sleep that night for a completely different reason.

You were the one person on this earth that understood me to my core. You blazed a path that I had no idea 25 years ago, that I would follow in. I'm not sure if I can make my own path without you.

From being my peer buddy in Elementary school, church youth group, UT coffee dates, international Skype dates, tears, heartbreak, celebrations, you were the one there that could hear my heart without me saying a word.

We spoke the same language. You understood my past and how it affected my present, and knew my future when I didn't believe in myself. Not everyone grows up with their mentor/friend and continues to share life with them from birth to death.

Everything hurts. Everything is numb.

I find myself not being able to breathe.

I can't find the words to describe what I am feeling. My brain is a blob of memories, sweet words, and shock. I still don't believe its real.

You're not gone.

You can't be.

I need you. The world needs you.

There is so much I want to say. She deserves all the endless amounts of praise, and celebration. The words elude me. I can't wrap my heart or brain around the last 24 hours.

Leigh was one of a kind. Her soft voice was full of encouragement, truth, and sass. Her love knew no bounds and she wanted nothing more than to share it with the world. She wanted you to be heard, appreciated, celebrated, and loved.

When Gran died she cried with me.

When I was having a hard day. She made me laugh.

When I succeeded even in the smallest of ways, she celebrated with me.

When I was in Haiti. She loved them with me.

When I came back from Haiti, she struggled with me.

She knew me and still loved me.

As she did everyone in her life.

Not only that she pursued me. She was intentional in every interaction with others. Nothing was ever half done. She fully and genuinely lived her life for others, and wanted them to feel that they were special. If Leigh was in your life, you felt loved. You felt special. You felt celebrated. That you could take on the world. Not because she was in your corner (though that was a wonderful plus), because she made you believe in yourself. Which is something I struggled with off an on over the years. Going through all the notes and messages from over the years, I am brought to tears again over the amount of love she gave out. Life was never the same when Leigh entered your life. And life will never be the same without her.

I love you Leigh.

You will always be my Homecoming Queen.

 In Loving Memory of

Leigh Robertson Gilman

April 1, 1987 - November 3, 2016

Much delayed update! 101 in 1001

Well I have been a little behind in updating my list! Knocking a few more off!

#13 Be in a wedding
On December 14th 2013, I was able to stand next to one of my best friends as she married the love of her life! Ashley and I met the summer of 2011 when we both moved into the Fellowship House at Calvary. Though we found out later we had been hanging out with the same group of friends for the past two years prior and never met. We didn't actually become friends til that fall after I returned from Haiti, but it seems like I have known her forever. It was a beautiful day in her hometown of Salisbury, NC!

#17 See a loved ones baby born
Just to clarify, this was on the list intended to mean being at the hospital, not actually seeing the baby born. That should be reserved for the happy parents! Anyways, I was blessed with another perfect nephew #3 bright early the morning of December 23rd. I was getting ready to head to Haiti a few springs earlier when his brother was born, and did not get to meet him til he was a month old. A few hours after Everett Drake was welcomed into the world, I was holding him! It was a joy to be able to be there. 

#37 Watch my brother play in a football game
This one is a little behind. I went to all of Dakota's games and practices that were open to family and/or the public. And now that football is over I get to watch him play rugby for Tennessee! After almost 18 years of sports I don't know what I am gonna do after graduation. 

#38 Plan a friends wedding
Anyone that knows me, knows that I was an event planner while in college. And since graduating, and changing jobs, I have had the honor to help with several friends weddings. Usually as their florist/designer, or ceremony coordinator. I have loved every minute of it. Now I am currently in the process of helping plan a beautiful friends wedding. Going to venues, picking styles, bridal shows, open houses, etc. It is a blast and so thrilled she is letting me be apart of her special day. 

#52 Go to a class reunion
May 2013 was 5 years from graduating high school! I could not believe it! Some days it seems much longer, and some days it feels it was just the other day I was walking the hall of Camden Central High! Unfortunately, upon arriving to Camden for the reunion, it was cancelled the night before due to nobody coming. It was a little sad for me, since I have not had the opportunity to be back in Camden much since graduating and majority of my class are around there. But honestly I was not the least bit surprised they weren't coming. Oh well, here's to hoping 2018 will be different. 

#60 Rock a baby to sleep
From beautiful Haitian babies, new nephews, and baby boom at church, I have rocked many a sweet babies to sleep. I could sit and hold a baby all day!

#63 Change the oil in my car myself
Being able to do more with my car myself, and to know what is wrong with my car is something I want to know more about. Growing up in a family of men who are mechanics because of a hobby, with a mechanics shop at my house, I am not ignorant to most things. A couple years ago, Dad showed me how to do it. usually he just does it for me, but I wanted to learn. It wasn't until this was Christmas that I had the opportunity to do it again myself. Dad, of course, was there in the shop to make sure I didn't hurt myself, but I did it all by myself. To actually change the filter though was another ordeal. The smart people at Wal-Mart forgot the 'hand tight' rule and made it nearly impossible for us to get it off. But we managed, and Sally Mae was good to go! 

#65 Go to Disney World
The most magical place on earth! I had been to Disney World (all four parks) the summer after 8th grade. It was an awesome 2 week Florida trip with the family! I have wanted to go back every since! In August, I was able to go with one of my best friends and her family to Disney and Universal Studios! It was AMAZING! So thankful they let me go with them! We had the best time! Planning to go again soon!

#89 Get a job
The cause of 95% anxiety in graduating seniors. What happens next? Well, I didn't really know. I knew one thing, and that was I was moving to Haiti. Upon returning from Haiti, I didn't know what I would do. I went back to my old event venue job for a few weeks to help out while my cousin was pregnant. I applied for jobs all over the country in a wide variety of careers. Then started applying in Knoxville, and never heard anything from anyone. I worked part time at Calvary in the office so I would have some income, and nannyed for a couple months. And then in May I took a job that a few people had basically been begging me to take for months. I just didn't think I was the person for the job. Completely unqualified and lack of experience. But finally, I just took it. And it was hard. I almost quit. I was calling my contact saying I would stay til they found someone, only after the first two weeks. But for some reason, I have no idea why, I stayed with it. And some days it is so hard and frustrating, and some days I have the most fun. So for now, I will stay Ms. Cheyenne. the Early Childhood Director at that crazy place they call the Vestal Boys & Girls Club. 

Just a couple more months until my 1001 days are up. Let's see how many more I can get!

#48 Stay Up All Night: A Tribute to Scotty G

This is one of the posts that you think about and just can't find the words that you want to say. Wanting to share you heart and celebrate the life of someone you love dearly, but sometimes those words just don't come. And if you have followed me at any point in time you know that this is not the first of these kind of posts. How do you put into words the impact a person has made on your life and on the world? The past few days I have been thinking about where I was and what I was doing a year ago. Driving all night and through a tornado with a car full of people to get to Chicago. My first time ever to Chicago, finally getting to see the city Scott loved so much (after all the heck I got for never have been). The weekend was spent doing all the things Scott loved with all of his friends. Meeting the people that he talked about so much and loved dearly from home was an amazing experience. Sitting with him, holding his hand as everyone took turns sharing stories and watching his favorite movies with him, and at night his parents house full of 60+ people worshiping our Father and singing all of Scott's favorite songs (mainly Crowder songs),and praying. Not even sure what we needed to be praying for. It was full of celebration of the great friend we have in the last few days of his life here on earth. 

I met Scott my freshman year of school at UT, I am a lot different person now than I was then, which is a nice way to say that I didn't really do much with Cru back then, or around people at all much. But I do remember him, he is one of those people that just captures the room and leaves an impact on you. He was gone sophomore year, and when he returned junior year it was like everyone was his best friend and he treated you that way. And just like we had been best friends since the first day of Freshman year I was brought into the world that is Scott Gianopoulos. Those of us who were so blessed to be a part of his world know the great joy that he brought to it. His world is full of Disney movies upon Disney movies, T-Swift and Crowder, die hard Packers, White Sox and UT fan, FLORIDA SUCKS!, lots and lots of candy, adventure, love of every person he met, and he has this uncanny ability to make anybody skip class, every single time. 

Scott lived his life full of adventure. Everyday was a new day to do something spectacular. Something that I now try to strive for. He taught us how to love people. I have never met anyone who loved more abundantly than Scott. And the greatest part, he loved to love people. His biggest way to serve people was just loving on them everyday. Something that I am not very good at doing, and think about him and his heart on a daily basis. His passion for people is one to look up to and learn from. Scott loved Jesus, but not only that, Jesus excited him. Think about that for a second. Most of the people that will read this love Jesus, but I can bet most of us don't go in each day with a childlike excitement for the Lord and all he does. Just like Scott was exited for each friendship he had and you saw and felt it each time you were around him, he had that excitement for his #1 best friend, Jesus. 

If you asked people to think of the one world to describe Scott, most of them would say 'joy'. Something we all want to have and do have at moments in our life. But Scott was always joy. And of all people, he had a right to be angry, to be upset, to lash out at God, but he chose not too. Of course he had days that were hard, but you would never know it. His life and each day in it was a witness to every person he came in contact with. Something I heard over and over in the years knowing him, are people saying how we want to be joyful like Scott, love like Scott, and have the highest amount of faith like Scott. His life is a legacy that is carried around in the hearts of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people across this nation and around the world. 

A year ago today, early in the morning, Scott ran his hardest to the pearly gates to see his savior. No more pain, no more suffering, Scott is, from then until eternity, with his heavenly Father. Those 7 days I spent in Chicago were full of tears, heartache, laughter and celebration. In the midst of those days, I received a message from one of the directors of UT's Relay for Life asking if Cru was going to be participating again this year. We had had a team last year "Team Scott" to tell the world how much we hated cancer and that cancer wasn't winning. This was a friend of mine so I replied with everything that Cru was going through and that I would get back to her in a couple days. But I didn't need a couple days. As the 60+ person caravan of UT students in all our orange glory drove up to Chicago to celebrate Scott at his memorial service, there was no doubt that we were going to have a team and the celebration of his life everyone would want to do. It was true, after signing up Cru and word got out, everyone was excited and on board. Now that I look back on it, it was therapeutic for everyone to process what had happened. So many people showed up to help, walk, stay up, and share stories about Scott. Because cancer didn't win. Cancer never took his joy, his love of life, and most importantly his strong faith. Cancer never got the best of him and will never win. Though this was not my first all nighter in my lifetime, it definitely is the most important one. 

I started this blog post almost a year ago, a tribute blog turned into a Relay blog, but I could never finish it. Writing things makes them more real to me, which is why journaling is so important yet so hard. I want to act like things didn't happen. That Scott is just back in Chicago for a little bit. I was angry and hurt. I couldn't stand the fact that my dear dear friends who I loved so much were about to go through so much pain, pain that I knew too well. Many of them never have gone through such heartache before. I was angry it was happening again, another friend gone on to be with the Lord. It didn't really hit me until late that night after returning back to Knoxville the day Scott passed, and I went to get gas. I began sobbing uncontrollably at the gas pump, so much I couldn't get gas. How I mad it to class the next day I will never know. But then I started laughing, laughing that I was crying my eyes out at the Pilot on the strip with strange looks from everyone, and laughing because of the rant Scott was giving me along with everyone else about being upset about what happened. Scott never wanted us to be upset or worry about him, he wasn't upset or worried about the future so why should we. So celebrate is what we do in honor of Scott, on his birthday I was living in Haiti and not around anyone who knew him, but I celebrated anyways. I laid in bed sicker than all get out, in so much pain all I could do was hit play on my Muppets cd as I fell in and out of coma like sleep, but it was how I could celebrate. Muppets and candy (Haitian cookies are probably the best ever), and watched pictures and videos of friends back in Knoxville sending off lanterns, like in Tanlged, as Happy Birthday messages. Today is no a day to be sad, but to relish in the great relief that Scott is fully restored and with his favorite person ever. And maybe a day to tell every Florida fan how much they suck, a day to skip class (school is for fools), an excuse to eat way too much candy, or sit at home on this rainy day and watch a marathon of Disney movies.  Though some days over the last year are harder than others to celebrate,  I am always reminded of the great joy his life brought and to be like that, to live a life full of joy is the best way to tribute our dear friend Scotty G. 

In loving memory of

Scott James Gianolpoulos

October 10, 1988-March 5, 2012

airplanes.

One of my favorite places on the entire planet, is up on a hill sitting on the cool flat concrete roof of an old drug lord's house, looking down to the city of Port-au-Prince in the valley of beautiful mountains on my left as lights flash on and off as EDH does what it does best, and looking straight ahead as the sun sets down into the warm Caribbean waters for the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen watching the airplanes come in and out. It is indescribable beauty. I wish I could take everyone I know up to that rooftop, and share with them the greatest spot. So many emotions and so much Jesus.

Someone asked me a few months ago, why do you love airplanes? And it made me think. I don't know when it started, my love for airplanes. I never actually flew in a plane until I was 18 years old and lived in Colorado. Maybe it was because Peter Pan is my favorite and I wanted to fly like they did. But I think it began as a fascination with the sky when I was little. I was obsessed with the night sky. I would sit out on my parents deck, or lay out in the middle of the field and just gaze at the most intriguing part of our universe. My parents bought me a super legit book on the night sky and there was a huge section of pictures with details of different things that happen in the night sky, and I wore it out looking at all the pictures and trying to figure out what stars and planets I was looking at, and then there was always that "moving star" that was an airplane. Living in a very rural part of Tennessee there was always an occasional small plane that would fly low, and we would run outside and watch and wave at the people in the airplane like they could see us. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world when they flew over us. My mom use to travel a lot growing up and taking her to the airport was so mesmerizing to me. I love airports.  Even today, I prefer a long layover just to sit in an airport and watch life happen. 

May 30, 2009 I took my first plane ride to Denver, Colorado. Later on that day, I would discover that sitting a few seats over was a girl who would impact so many lives. I arrived in Vail, and the whirlwind of project life began. I met my roommates who are the most amazing women in the world. We were all very different people in very different places in our lives but it worked. By the end of the summer we loved each other deeply. There is no words to describe relationships made on project, unless you have been on one yourself. One of my roommates was a beautiful blonde from Kentucky, Hillary. Hillary is one of those people that is fearless, but the mature one. She is completely genuine in everything she says, hysterical and loves to laugh, so incredibly loving, will do absolutely anything, but when it comes to real conversation and other people she is so wise. Of the 4 of us, she would have been the mother of the group. 

We all had very different work schedules, but some afternoons it would just be me and Hill. Those conversations are some of my most treasured memories. She is a rock star. Hillary loved airplanes and wanted to be a pilot. It is a hard and expensive road to be a female pilot. She was headed in that direction, but gradually the Lord began telling her that he had a different plan. She loved airplanes and flying, but her heart for the Lord far exceeded that. So she changed her entire life plan. She set her sights on the Lord and followed his lead. Her heart still remained in flying, but to her it was about doing the Lord's will than her own. To hear her talk about the change and about what her life is looking like you would have never thought it was a tough change. That's how she was, so in tune with the Lord that trusting in Him was the easiest and most fulfilling life choice. She inspires me. When life throws curve balls, I sit and think about her and her story. How someone so passionate about something will gladly put it aside to fulfill the current path of the Lord. I have a tendency to fight it out, and be a little stubborn with God about things before I change paths. And every single time I will see an airplane and feel convicted of my actions. I can always hear Hillary telling me straight up, and I need to act better. Hillary may never have gotten her actual wings, little metal pendent to wear on her uniform, but on August 11, 2010 she got her figurative wings as she flew up to Heaven and gets to spend eternity in the sky.

Two years later, I spent the anniversary in no other place than I would rather be, on that rooftop in Port-au-Prince watching the sunset and the airplanes fly in and out. I wished so much she was sitting next to me, seeing what I was seeing, hearing her contagious laughter, and having heart to hearts. I just there in silence as my troubled heart became serene, and journaled. 

"My head has been in a daze all day. I felt it coming like it always does, that overwhelming burden and darkness.....sometimes I don't want to hold it in, I don't want to make excuses, I just want to sit in the floor and cry.....I think about Hillary all the time, I wish I could understand, but I know we aren't meant to always understand....I miss talks with Hillary, our love for the military, each having our own thoughts of joining, knowing one day we wanted to marry into the military, the outdoors, movies, her boyfriend Nick, life changes, school, Cru, joys, struggles. She loved flying, but God told her to change her path, and she did without blinking. I was so amazed and inspired by her. She was so cool, fun, Godly and just plain great, but she didn't even know it. Her presence on our apartment tied everything together. We were all so different but she knew how to make it work. Sitting here on a rooftop in PAP, I can't help but wonder what she might have said to me about going and obstacles that arose. Her wisdom was some of the best conversations I ever had. I wish I could call her, Skype her, text her. But I can't. The Lord said she had fulfilled her purpose in this life and wanted her home. I don't blame him, she is pretty great. I know without a shadow of a doubt she is in heaven and she fulfilled her purpose for His glory over and over again. The selfish me just wishes she was still here. I know one day we will get to embrace and praise our Father together once again and its going to be glorious!"

I don't know why I love airplanes so much, maybe because they are just plain cool, and because it reminds me of my childhood. But I know that they are a sign of a promise to me. A reminder that God is sovereign, almighty, loving, and always will be. And to make me think of Hillary and her ever beaming light that shines so brightly to everyone around. Just like in the airport people are going new places, exciting places, going home, Hillary set an example of going new places, traveling down the road less traveled, and the fun and excitement that brings, and taking her final flight home. Every time I see an airplane I think about my dear friend Hillary Morgan Hadley! And it makes me smile! So maybe that is why, airplanes make me happy. So today we will be happy and celebrate her and the joy she still brings everyone that knew her. 


Happy 24th Birthday Hill! Love and miss you! Let's Party!

101 Update

Trying to be more intentional about marking things off my 101 List, so here is a little update on a few happenings.

# 19 Visit a Friend
This was by far the most epic visit. My brother and one of my best friends share the same birthday. So over the last decade it has been a dance making sure to celebrate both in some way. When college came around it made it harder for us to see each other. Before her birthday, we had seen each other maybe twice in two years. So when her mom texted me a week before her birthday asking if I wanted to come down and surprise her I knew I had too! We don't really live that far from each other but grown up life kind of gets in the way sometimes. So on December 1st I took my brother out to breakfast and get his new license for being 21, and then off to Murfreesboro I went! Let me just preface this, that Storm is impossible to surprise. We just don't even try. She always figures it out. But her mom and I were determined to make this work. I got to their house and knocked on the door, and her face was priceless! She had no earthly idea I was coming, and I had just recently returned from Haiti. She cried, and it was wonderful! We had pulled off the greatest surprise! We then went to eat, and later me and her met up with some of her friends and went bowling! It was a great visit, and so much fun to celebrate her and her birthday!

#35 Pick Someone Up From the Airport
Technically the story I am about to tell I was just there at the airport. But a couple weeks later I did indeed pick her up. But as many of you know who have been reading my blogs know that I recently was in Haiti. There was also another girl, Brittany, who was there when I was. She stayed about a month and half longer than I did. I knew how incredibly hard it was for me to leave Haiti, and I was met with a loving embrace from a Haitian child in the states airport, so I knew she would be having a hard day. So I took the long drive to Nashville late one night and stood at the gate and waited for her to get here. She didn't know I would be there, and kept calling me crazy once she saw me, but it was so worth it. The funny part, is she actually walked past me before I could grab her, just like her to be ignoring me :) 

          After 3.5 months this is the only picture we have together in Haiti. #fail                                                Passion 2013

#72 Go to Graceland
I have wanted to go to Graceland since...forever! For those of you that do not know what Graceland is, which I am going to act like everyone does because that would be tragic and I would really reconsider our friendship if you did not know, but a lot of international people read my blog. Graceland is the home of Elvis Presley!! His mansion in Memphis, Tennessee. I love Elvis and was so excited to be there and hear all about him, his music, his movies, and his legacy. It was a great Christmas outing with the family!

Look for more exciting stories as I become more proactive with life! And if you want to help me cross some off my list, let's do it!

2012 rewind

 January

Started the year off attending Passion for the very first time, and had my life forever changed 



Had the amazing opportunity to be a part of Extreme Makeover Home Edition!


February

 

Eric Church concert!!!!!!!

 Cru Formal with some of my favorites!

           

March

Returned to Haiti after 7 long months! Spent a week serving with my amazing church family!

April

Celebrated the life of the amazing Scott Gianopoulos at UT's Relay for Life. Team Scott!

Cru Senior Banquet with the greatest women I have known in college

May

Roasting marshmallows on the Torchbearer!

Graduations Galore!!!

North Myrtle Beach trip with the girls for graduation!!!

June

Steph an Charlie are married!!!

Braves game for my 22nd birthday!

The beautiful MRS. Brittnay Lezu!!! And had the pleasure of helping with the wedding day!

Girls trip to the Braves game and Ikea!

July

 I LOVE THE  FOURTH OF JULY!!!

Had the honor of being the Wedding Coordinator/Director for my dear friend Allison Wood!

I love the Braves!

The once in a life opportunity to see the US Olympic team practice at Allen Jones Aquatic Center at UT!!!

My wonderful roommates through me a going away cookout!

Celebrated my dear friend Kaity before she set off to training camp for the World Race! Last hang out with her before we both would be in foreign countries! 

Amy is married!! And had my first solo run at doing flowers for a wedding! 

 Moved to Haiti at the end of the month!!! And accompanied by my roommate, Ashley!

August

Had a sleepover with our Children's Home kids!!!

Interns and boss Willow

Met the love of my life Todd! He went to be with Jesus a couple months later.

Survived my first hurricane! Hurricane Issac!

September

 Worked in a Health Clinic at First Baptist Pernier

Taught my kids "Rocky Top!!!"

Celebrated little Rowen's 2nd birthday!

Got to see the great Dr. Clint Doiron in action!

October

 My mama came to visit!

 Batey 41!

Helped Emily and Ke Kontan get settled into their new home! 

www.himeforhelp.com

November

 Surprised my family and returned home at my brother's homecoming game!

December

 Drove to Murfreesboro and surprised my best friend on her birthday!! She cried, it was epic!

Got to be a part of my nephew's first Christmas!!!

2012 was full of laughter, joy, heartache, loss, change, and Jesus. It was full of lots of great friends, stories, and beautiful memories. I graduate from college, moved to a 3rd world country, experienced life, and grew immensely. Blessed beyond measure for this story that the Lord is writing, excited to see what He has in store as I hit 'play' on 2013.